The First Step to Finding True Love

The first step in this search is to identify what it is we are looking for.  In the English language the word love has many uses. The word love is a verb: to love.  It's meaning is derived by  just how we use it in a sentence.  I love my car. I love broccoli. I love you. These uses of the word describe how we feel about objects, a strong attachment perhaps but it does not  define the word.    It is an action not a feeling.  When we link the word with descriptive adjectives we change it's meaning.  Physical Love becomes sex, Brotherly Love speaks to a bond between family members, Unconditional Love is reserved to describe a love that comes from a source outside of human understanding.  Try as we may "Unconditional" love seems to allude our ability to reproduce.  We just can't do it.  However it is the very thing we all desire; to be loved and accepted unconditionally.  When we use Love and Acceptance as a way to control others; giving or withholding them as means of getting others to do what we want them to do.  That is not unconditional Love!  

When we look for a source to define the word love, 1 Corinthians chapter 13:4-8 in the Bible is widely quoted.  It provides us a picture of what Love is, and from that we can also see what it isn’t.  Lets take a look at the first two attributes given to Love.  Patience and Kindness.

"Love is Patient".   I don’t know about you but I am not all that patient.  Not with myself or others.  Patience, apparently is not a virtue that is inherent to humans.  I was told if I wanted it, I had to work for it.  I was also given a strong warning.  If you want to develop patience be prepared for every asshole on the planet to cross your path.  Why would I want that?  To prove that I am a good person?  That I am Loving?    My patience usually has an expectation attached to it.   As a result of my limited capacity,  when the appropriate amount of time has past with no apparent change, or insufficient change, has taken place, I run out of Patience.  Now it’s time to take matters into our own hands.  We all experienced it.  What do you do, when you run out of patience?  

"Love is Kind"-Kindness is another story.  What is Kindness?  Doing a good deed for another?  There are long lists of things we can do to show kindness.  The question is; Is it kindness when there is an expectation of a reward?  When we are kind to others publicly for the world to see in order to show what a good person I am?  Is it a gift if we expect something in return.  What happens when we do a kind deed, and expect the recipient to be grateful for the gesture and they aren’t? “that’s the last time I’ll do that, the ungrateful so and so. Our actions seam to be motivated  by “What’s in it for me? 

Kindness is  often described as a weapon.  Kill them with Kindness!  Our motivation is the demise of the recipient.  We get pleasure from knowing that we are inflicting pain on them through our actions.   Talk about ulterior motives. We take the purest most innocent thing and find a way to use it as a weapon.

The first step is to be honest with myself. Love is patient and kind. I am neither.  I am less patient and kind with myself than anyone else. I hold myself to a much higher standard.  I have failed to produce even the first two attributes of love within myself.  I am a failure, a looser, undisciplined, weak, and the list of descriptive adjectives we say to ourselves, grows with each failed attempt.  When I admit that I am powerless to produce love, even for myself.  What hope is there to find it in anyone else?

I must find the source of this power.  The power of Love.  This journey begins with Faith, a hope that Love exists in spite of what my four senses tell me.  A power that is not subject to my thoughts or actions.  An eternal all powerful force, that when found and I experience it’s power, I am changed in an instant.

Honesty Faith Hope: The Foundation for Love and Relationships

Without a strong solid foundation, all structures will eventually collapse. Attention has to be paid to the ground in which it is laid.  Is it solid rock, sandy soil, or muck?  The future of the building depends on it if the structure is to last.  Just as in construction of a building, our lives need a strong foundation.  

This truth is universal and we can argue as much as we want to, it is still true. 

If your goal is to build a life of true love and lasting relationships the foundation must be Honesty, Faith, and Hope.

Honesty is based in truth. Faith is a belief in something that can not be seen. Hope is what is produced as the result of our Faith.  These three elements are found inside of us.  In our core, some call it Soul, or Spirit.  What ever you choose to call it is fine. But we do need to recognize its’ existence, because it is our essence. The man in the mirror so to speak.  That place where you can not hide from yourself.  Are you with me? 

Love is a verb.  Love Is Eternal, Love can only do what it does, which is to Love.  Love is not based on behavior.  It is not a reward given to those who deserve it, nor is it withheld from us when we don’t.   Love is Love.  Love exists inside all of us, unconditionally.  It just IS.  That is the Truth.  Love is all powerful, Love conquers all. When everything else turns to dust Love remains. Some say God is Love, Love is God.

I propose that the “Kingdom of God” is inside us in that place we call Soul or Spirit. Where God is, Love is there as well. .  If it is true that the love I have sought all my life already exists in me complete. That I do not have to do anything to deserve it.  All I do is experience it.  This was not as easy for me as it sounds.

We live in the Physical world. Controlled by our senses. What we can see, touch, hear and smell.  As we are all too aware these senses are processed through the brain and we react to them.  We learn how to control our world so that we can avoid unfavorable reactions within us and from others. We learn what is good and bad. Right and Wrong.  Governed by these senses, we form opinions as a society, Laws are created to control behaviors. Rewards and Punishments established, all in order to control. Cause and effect rules the day.  The emphasis is placed on the exterior.  Little attention is given to Soul or Spirit the person inside. Our emotions, thoughts and desires are discounted, and must be controlled.  Mankind is the Master of the Universe. Some will even argue the very existence of Soul or Spirit. If I can not see it, touch it, feel it, or smell it, it does not exist.  Mans arrogance is beyond belief. 

We do not need to look far to realize our limitations.  Nature itself with its incredible force renders us powerless. All of creation tells us that there is something more. A power so vast it is incomprehensible. 

There are some things that exist that we can not explain through empirical reasoning. Love is one of those things.  We can see the effect it has on us, feel it. However we have no idea how to create it. To experience that Love we have to be honest with ourselves.  First we Admit that We are incapable of creating Love.  Utterly powerless when it comes to satisfying our need to be Loved.  Next Believe that God, Love, or whatever you choose to call it, exists inside us. Finally, Hope that if we seek Love we will find it.  True Love produces changes within us that are demonstrated outwardly.  We change from the inside out.

This is the foundation. If we are convinced of these things. We can begin to build a life that is based on Honesty, Faith, and Hope.  A Life full of Love and not just survival.

Looking For Love In All the Wrong Places.

Waylon Jennings recorded the song "Looking for Love" and it was a big hit for him.  The success was due to the fact that he expressed with a song, a reality that most of us have experienced. We identify.  The chorus says
                            "I was looking for love in all the wrong places.

                             Looking for love in too many faces.  

                             Searching your eyes, looking for traces
                                 of what I'm dreaming of.  

                             Hoping to find a friend and a lover. 

                             God bless the day I discover 

                             Another heart, looking for love."

That search for Love and Acceptance seems universal, and like the song we all share that experience of looking in the wrong places.  The question is where is the right place to look for Love.

I was told that GOD is Love,  If I want to find true Love I must find GOD. This information was not too helpful, do mostly to the fact that I do not have a clue as to Whom or What GOD is.  And to be completely honest  I found it difficult to find a source of information about God that wasn't colored or shaded to meet another agenda.  What do I have to do to receive this love?  If it is unconditional, than there is nothing to "DO".  It just IS.  Hard to believe?  Impossible to believe is more like it.

Where is this GOD?   That answer, depending on where you live on this planet and who you ask, can change dramatically. For most of us, to be honest it was just too time consuming to find that answer for ourselves.  That's why we have Priests, Rabbi's, Ministers, and Guru's.  They devote their lives to that question so I do not have to. I just have to believe what they believe?   Right?  They know where He is and it is our job to follow them as they lead us to God.  If choose not to go down their path, we will be condemned Hell or some other unsavory place.

As I was recovering from yet another failed relationship, an experience, that was quite common for me.  Even though failure had become common, it was always so painful.  This time was different though.  My reality led me to the point of suicide.  Empty and alone, though surrounded with people, I was desperate and suicide seemed to be the only viable option.  In that moment I turned to a man whom I had observed over the years, who seemed to have his act together.  I asked him what his secret was.  He said that what I was experiencing was common, and my continual experience of failure in my relationships was due to the fact that Mankind seems to have an insatiable need to be loved.  He pointed out that the key word in that sentence was the word "insatiable".  My need to be loved and accepted was to great to be fulfilled by any one.  He then went on to say that he believed this insatiable need to be loved was by design.  A Divine Design that could only be satisfied within me  and only by my God.    The one place I had never looked.
I remembered things from my past; a verse from the bible saying that Kingdom of God that was within me.  A line from a movie where the actor was standing in front of a mirror getting dressed, for some affair, his manservant helping him with his coat. Standing there looking at his reflection with obvious pleasure in what he saw he said "You know, A love affair with ones self is a love affair that will last a lifetime".  A love affair with myself?  I had never heard the profound truth contained in that line. All I thought was, "What an  arrogant, selfish and self centered thing to say"  Suddenly there was hope.  It was not much, but it proved to be all I needed.

To understand that there was a reason for the way I felt, proved to be the "booby prize".  Understanding why did nothing to relieve my pain.  However knowing there was a way out of this dark place I found myself in, transcended the pain.  I had been "Looking for Love in all the Wrong Places".  I had a need within me that nothing but God could satisfy.  God could and would if he were sought.

Wherever I Go, There I Am!

My daughter came home from school complaining about one of her Teachers, and the sign she had hung behind her desk. It read “Where ever I go, There I am” and her response was “DUHH”.

Isn’t that the dumbest thing you ever heard, of course Wherever I go, there I am.

So Obvious, so Simple, so True.   So how could it be, that the obvious, simple, truth of that statement had eluded me all of my life.   I was like a deer caught in the headlight of a fast approaching vehicle.  Embarrassed that I did not understand;  I affirmed my daughters reaction joking about the statement was just so obvious, yet in reality I didn’t have a clue what this meant. I repeated it to myself over and over, Wherever I go, There I am.  Then as I reflected on all of the events of my life Wherever I had gone, I was there.  Whoever I was with, I was there. 

That saying sliced though me like a laser though the steel safe; My personal lock box where for years I had stuffed all my insecurities, fears, and my darkest secrets.  Those secrets I had vowed would never see the light of day.  The truth, boring a hole clean, perfectly sterile, suddenly and unexpectedly brought the light of truth into that darkness.   The gig was up,  Nowhere to hide.  It was true.  I had in fact created my own demise.  I had been the cause of my own failures.  Instantly as the light shone in I realized that, though hidden from the outside world,  I was unable to hide them from myself. Every day looking in the mirror.  I knew all my insecurities, every flaw, all my secrets, all my lies.  Concealed within, I had masked their very existence. I had created an elaborate facade, a structure built on a foundation of lies and deception to keep anyone or anything from seeing and knowing who I truly was.  I had in fact created my own prison.  I had walled myself in.  I now knew why my relationships, both professionally and personally left me feeling unfulfilled and alone.  I was never there.  Suddenly I was out of excuses. I was responsible! 

Experts say that only the instinct for survival is greater within mankind  than the need to be Loved and Accepted.  I believe this is true because of the incredible lengths that I and others have gone in order get that acceptance and love from others.    

As a child  I remember that I was not acceptable.  At leased how I perceived it. I was odd, was not the “norm” and society provided the pressure to conform.

Fear is the great motivator which manifest itself in three categories:

Fear of not getting what you want.

Fear of loosing what you have.

Fear of dying.

If we examine our fears we will quickly see that this is true.

What have we done in our lives because of the fear that we won’t be Accepted, or Loved?  To what lengths have we gone as a result of the fear of loosing the love or acceptance we have? 

The need for acceptance and love linked with the instinct to survive created an atmosphere primed for disaster.  I had taken  the path of leased resistance through out my life.  Instead of facing my fears, and dealing with them with courage and honesty, I simply created another Persona.  When that Persona didn’t get what I needed I just created more elaborate characters. I behaved as if they weren’t there, concealing them from the world. I could run but I could not hide.  Not from the man in the mirror. 

The Mystery of relationships is in the Math

What is the Mystery to a successful Marriage, or any healthy Relationship?  The Mystery is in the math. What does Mathematics have to do with Love or relationships you ask?  Think about it. The Bible speaks of the Great Mystery of two people becoming "One Flesh" in marriage.  How do 2 become one?  Some say the equation is Addition each person equals 1/2 of the union, thus 1/2 + 1/2 = 1.  How many times have we heard that?  How many attempts have we made to find that person who makes us complete?  How many are in Bad relationships having at one time been convinced that we had found Mr. or Mrs. Right.  Our courts are overwhelmed with Divorce petitions, so many that most states have adopted the "No-Contest" Divorce.  Statistics vary but according to the Enrichment Journal 41% of fist marriages in America end in divorce, 60% of Second Marriages, and 73% of Third Marriages. What is the problem?  Is it one of commitment?  "For better or worse,  in sickness and health, till death do us part." Yes we meant it when we spoke it, or did we? 
I propose this is just a symptom of a problem that has its root in the Mathematics of  Relationship.
The equation is Multiplication not Addition.  What do I mean?  There are two people necessary, two whole people, independent, self reliant, complete entities. The only equation that joins two individuals each with the value of 1 and has the product of 1  is multiplication.  Thus 1 X 1 = 1.
Here in lies the problem. If we as individuals look for our other half, we end up with a product of the relationship that is less than whole. 1/2 x 1/2 = 1/4. No wonder so many are disappointed in Love and Relationships.  We are looking for love in all the wrong places.  The Prescription to cure our Love and Relationships issues is not "Fixing" the other half.  It is becoming whole ourselves.  This is the purpose of this blog, is (1) to share with you my ongoing "Journey to Wholeness", and (2) to encourage you to join me.
Phoenix