Wherever I Go, There I Am!

My daughter came home from school complaining about one of her Teachers, and the sign she had hung behind her desk. It read “Where ever I go, There I am” and her response was “DUHH”.

Isn’t that the dumbest thing you ever heard, of course Wherever I go, there I am.

So Obvious, so Simple, so True.   So how could it be, that the obvious, simple, truth of that statement had eluded me all of my life.   I was like a deer caught in the headlight of a fast approaching vehicle.  Embarrassed that I did not understand;  I affirmed my daughters reaction joking about the statement was just so obvious, yet in reality I didn’t have a clue what this meant. I repeated it to myself over and over, Wherever I go, There I am.  Then as I reflected on all of the events of my life Wherever I had gone, I was there.  Whoever I was with, I was there. 

That saying sliced though me like a laser though the steel safe; My personal lock box where for years I had stuffed all my insecurities, fears, and my darkest secrets.  Those secrets I had vowed would never see the light of day.  The truth, boring a hole clean, perfectly sterile, suddenly and unexpectedly brought the light of truth into that darkness.   The gig was up,  Nowhere to hide.  It was true.  I had in fact created my own demise.  I had been the cause of my own failures.  Instantly as the light shone in I realized that, though hidden from the outside world,  I was unable to hide them from myself. Every day looking in the mirror.  I knew all my insecurities, every flaw, all my secrets, all my lies.  Concealed within, I had masked their very existence. I had created an elaborate facade, a structure built on a foundation of lies and deception to keep anyone or anything from seeing and knowing who I truly was.  I had in fact created my own prison.  I had walled myself in.  I now knew why my relationships, both professionally and personally left me feeling unfulfilled and alone.  I was never there.  Suddenly I was out of excuses. I was responsible! 

Experts say that only the instinct for survival is greater within mankind  than the need to be Loved and Accepted.  I believe this is true because of the incredible lengths that I and others have gone in order get that acceptance and love from others.    

As a child  I remember that I was not acceptable.  At leased how I perceived it. I was odd, was not the “norm” and society provided the pressure to conform.

Fear is the great motivator which manifest itself in three categories:

Fear of not getting what you want.

Fear of loosing what you have.

Fear of dying.

If we examine our fears we will quickly see that this is true.

What have we done in our lives because of the fear that we won’t be Accepted, or Loved?  To what lengths have we gone as a result of the fear of loosing the love or acceptance we have? 

The need for acceptance and love linked with the instinct to survive created an atmosphere primed for disaster.  I had taken  the path of leased resistance through out my life.  Instead of facing my fears, and dealing with them with courage and honesty, I simply created another Persona.  When that Persona didn’t get what I needed I just created more elaborate characters. I behaved as if they weren’t there, concealing them from the world. I could run but I could not hide.  Not from the man in the mirror.