Looking For Love In All the Wrong Places.

Waylon Jennings recorded the song "Looking for Love" and it was a big hit for him.  The success was due to the fact that he expressed with a song, a reality that most of us have experienced. We identify.  The chorus says
                            "I was looking for love in all the wrong places.

                             Looking for love in too many faces.  

                             Searching your eyes, looking for traces
                                 of what I'm dreaming of.  

                             Hoping to find a friend and a lover. 

                             God bless the day I discover 

                             Another heart, looking for love."

That search for Love and Acceptance seems universal, and like the song we all share that experience of looking in the wrong places.  The question is where is the right place to look for Love.

I was told that GOD is Love,  If I want to find true Love I must find GOD. This information was not too helpful, do mostly to the fact that I do not have a clue as to Whom or What GOD is.  And to be completely honest  I found it difficult to find a source of information about God that wasn't colored or shaded to meet another agenda.  What do I have to do to receive this love?  If it is unconditional, than there is nothing to "DO".  It just IS.  Hard to believe?  Impossible to believe is more like it.

Where is this GOD?   That answer, depending on where you live on this planet and who you ask, can change dramatically. For most of us, to be honest it was just too time consuming to find that answer for ourselves.  That's why we have Priests, Rabbi's, Ministers, and Guru's.  They devote their lives to that question so I do not have to. I just have to believe what they believe?   Right?  They know where He is and it is our job to follow them as they lead us to God.  If choose not to go down their path, we will be condemned Hell or some other unsavory place.

As I was recovering from yet another failed relationship, an experience, that was quite common for me.  Even though failure had become common, it was always so painful.  This time was different though.  My reality led me to the point of suicide.  Empty and alone, though surrounded with people, I was desperate and suicide seemed to be the only viable option.  In that moment I turned to a man whom I had observed over the years, who seemed to have his act together.  I asked him what his secret was.  He said that what I was experiencing was common, and my continual experience of failure in my relationships was due to the fact that Mankind seems to have an insatiable need to be loved.  He pointed out that the key word in that sentence was the word "insatiable".  My need to be loved and accepted was to great to be fulfilled by any one.  He then went on to say that he believed this insatiable need to be loved was by design.  A Divine Design that could only be satisfied within me  and only by my God.    The one place I had never looked.
I remembered things from my past; a verse from the bible saying that Kingdom of God that was within me.  A line from a movie where the actor was standing in front of a mirror getting dressed, for some affair, his manservant helping him with his coat. Standing there looking at his reflection with obvious pleasure in what he saw he said "You know, A love affair with ones self is a love affair that will last a lifetime".  A love affair with myself?  I had never heard the profound truth contained in that line. All I thought was, "What an  arrogant, selfish and self centered thing to say"  Suddenly there was hope.  It was not much, but it proved to be all I needed.

To understand that there was a reason for the way I felt, proved to be the "booby prize".  Understanding why did nothing to relieve my pain.  However knowing there was a way out of this dark place I found myself in, transcended the pain.  I had been "Looking for Love in all the Wrong Places".  I had a need within me that nothing but God could satisfy.  God could and would if he were sought.

Wherever I Go, There I Am!

My daughter came home from school complaining about one of her Teachers, and the sign she had hung behind her desk. It read “Where ever I go, There I am” and her response was “DUHH”.

Isn’t that the dumbest thing you ever heard, of course Wherever I go, there I am.

So Obvious, so Simple, so True.   So how could it be, that the obvious, simple, truth of that statement had eluded me all of my life.   I was like a deer caught in the headlight of a fast approaching vehicle.  Embarrassed that I did not understand;  I affirmed my daughters reaction joking about the statement was just so obvious, yet in reality I didn’t have a clue what this meant. I repeated it to myself over and over, Wherever I go, There I am.  Then as I reflected on all of the events of my life Wherever I had gone, I was there.  Whoever I was with, I was there. 

That saying sliced though me like a laser though the steel safe; My personal lock box where for years I had stuffed all my insecurities, fears, and my darkest secrets.  Those secrets I had vowed would never see the light of day.  The truth, boring a hole clean, perfectly sterile, suddenly and unexpectedly brought the light of truth into that darkness.   The gig was up,  Nowhere to hide.  It was true.  I had in fact created my own demise.  I had been the cause of my own failures.  Instantly as the light shone in I realized that, though hidden from the outside world,  I was unable to hide them from myself. Every day looking in the mirror.  I knew all my insecurities, every flaw, all my secrets, all my lies.  Concealed within, I had masked their very existence. I had created an elaborate facade, a structure built on a foundation of lies and deception to keep anyone or anything from seeing and knowing who I truly was.  I had in fact created my own prison.  I had walled myself in.  I now knew why my relationships, both professionally and personally left me feeling unfulfilled and alone.  I was never there.  Suddenly I was out of excuses. I was responsible! 

Experts say that only the instinct for survival is greater within mankind  than the need to be Loved and Accepted.  I believe this is true because of the incredible lengths that I and others have gone in order get that acceptance and love from others.    

As a child  I remember that I was not acceptable.  At leased how I perceived it. I was odd, was not the “norm” and society provided the pressure to conform.

Fear is the great motivator which manifest itself in three categories:

Fear of not getting what you want.

Fear of loosing what you have.

Fear of dying.

If we examine our fears we will quickly see that this is true.

What have we done in our lives because of the fear that we won’t be Accepted, or Loved?  To what lengths have we gone as a result of the fear of loosing the love or acceptance we have? 

The need for acceptance and love linked with the instinct to survive created an atmosphere primed for disaster.  I had taken  the path of leased resistance through out my life.  Instead of facing my fears, and dealing with them with courage and honesty, I simply created another Persona.  When that Persona didn’t get what I needed I just created more elaborate characters. I behaved as if they weren’t there, concealing them from the world. I could run but I could not hide.  Not from the man in the mirror. 

The Mystery of relationships is in the Math

What is the Mystery to a successful Marriage, or any healthy Relationship?  The Mystery is in the math. What does Mathematics have to do with Love or relationships you ask?  Think about it. The Bible speaks of the Great Mystery of two people becoming "One Flesh" in marriage.  How do 2 become one?  Some say the equation is Addition each person equals 1/2 of the union, thus 1/2 + 1/2 = 1.  How many times have we heard that?  How many attempts have we made to find that person who makes us complete?  How many are in Bad relationships having at one time been convinced that we had found Mr. or Mrs. Right.  Our courts are overwhelmed with Divorce petitions, so many that most states have adopted the "No-Contest" Divorce.  Statistics vary but according to the Enrichment Journal 41% of fist marriages in America end in divorce, 60% of Second Marriages, and 73% of Third Marriages. What is the problem?  Is it one of commitment?  "For better or worse,  in sickness and health, till death do us part." Yes we meant it when we spoke it, or did we? 
I propose this is just a symptom of a problem that has its root in the Mathematics of  Relationship.
The equation is Multiplication not Addition.  What do I mean?  There are two people necessary, two whole people, independent, self reliant, complete entities. The only equation that joins two individuals each with the value of 1 and has the product of 1  is multiplication.  Thus 1 X 1 = 1.
Here in lies the problem. If we as individuals look for our other half, we end up with a product of the relationship that is less than whole. 1/2 x 1/2 = 1/4. No wonder so many are disappointed in Love and Relationships.  We are looking for love in all the wrong places.  The Prescription to cure our Love and Relationships issues is not "Fixing" the other half.  It is becoming whole ourselves.  This is the purpose of this blog, is (1) to share with you my ongoing "Journey to Wholeness", and (2) to encourage you to join me.
Phoenix